Why raising toddlers is like living in an insane asylum

11 Mar

A few months ago I was surfing the web, and stumbled upon a great post by another blogger-mom titled “Why having a toddler is like being at a frat party.”  The reasons include, “there is always a bad smell in the house that no one can locate,” “the toilets are never clean” and “there is always a boy naked from the waist down peeing in a potted plant”.  It’s good for a laugh if you have some time to kill. (And clearly you do, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this, right? 😉 ) Some of the reader comments are just as good as the original post. (“There are always fights that need to be broken up. And are immediately followed by ‘I love you, bro.'”)

Based on my own experience, I think there also needs to be a list titled “Why raising a toddler is living living in an insane asylum.”  Every day I have at least one moment that goes something like this:

My 2 y.o. daughter: (putting her hand to her eye): “Mama, there is something on my eyelash.”

Me: “What is it?”

Daughter (with a straight face, examining her hand): “A rooster.”

Me: “A rooster? Really?”

Her: “Yes, a rooster.” (She pretends to cradle something in her cupped hands. Then she walks out of the room. From the other room, I can hear her talking to her brother.)

Her: “Kenji, there is a rooster on my eyelash.”

His reply: “Oh.”

"there is a rooster on my eyelash"

"Mama, there is a rooster on my eyelash."

Then, there was that time when I came into the bathroom after hearing repeated flushing, only to find my son with his hand on the flusher, and the end of the toilet paper roll draped into the toilet. “Watch this, mom!” He exuberantly said as he flushed again and again, watching the roll spin as the the paper got sucked down the toilet.

Because these moments are both the highlights and the lowlights of my days – sometimes I have to keep from laughing while I am giving a time out.  So, without further ado, here are my ten reasons why raising a toddler is like living in an insane asylum.

1. There is always someone crawling on the floor barking like a dog.

2. There is a banging on the other side of the wall that no one notices anymore.

3.  You are constantly stepping in puddles of liquid.  Without thinking twice, you perform the “sniff test” to see what it is.

4. The remote control for the TV disappears every few months, never to be found again.

5. You hear yourself calmly explaining why it’s not a good idea to eat bubble bath, or drink bathwater.

6. You don’t flinch when you see someone eating cereal off the floor.

7.  During phone conversations, you frequently find yourself saying to the person speaking on the other end, “don’t worry about the screaming in the background.”

8. There is a group of people in the living room spinning around in a circle until they fall down.  After they hurt themselves, they get up and do it again.

9. You have the right to put away all potentially hazardous office supplies. Anything left out in plain view can and will be used against you.

10. You need to stop several times a day and do deep breathing exercises in order to keep from joining the lunatics.

(If you have ever lived spent an extended period of time with a toddler, I am sure you can add reasons of your own. I am sure I will have new reasons to add by the end of today.)

Now we come to the inevitable question – how does a sane person dress for living in the insane asylum? On the surface, it would seem the job would call for dressing in scrubs like a hospital orderly, which is a topic that I explored in a recent blog post.  By the end of that post, I conclude I am simply not willing to live my life in anticipation of the next, inevitable child-induced disaster.  I may be living in knee-deep in chaos, but why confine myself to that reality? I am holding out for the moments of sanity, which come more often now with my older child. My younger one is two, and on some days, it’s hard to imagine the madness will ever end. But who knows, maybe once they are older, I will miss these days. I have to confess, there is still a part of me that loves spinning around in a circle until I fall down, then getting up and doing it all over again.

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3 Responses to “Why raising toddlers is like living in an insane asylum”

  1. Lori March 11, 2011 at 4:44 pm #

    Hilarious post. I could go on all day about this topic. The one I would like to add is….”you line their bedrooms with extra pillows so WHEN they falll out of bed, not if….they won’t hurt themselves.” Frankly if they made padded wallpaper that would work too. 😉

  2. Grace March 20, 2011 at 6:58 pm #

    Ha! I just spent 5 days with my nieces/nephew recently… and I can understand the ‘stepping in puddles’ (apple sauce, in my case) and eating stuff off the floor quite well! The ‘rooster’ thing, though, is quite original :))

  3. Tara April 21, 2011 at 9:08 pm #

    Oh this is so true. It seems they go from laughing to crying in a heartbeat. They pee their pants. They wipe their noses on their mother’s shoulders. They lie down in the parking lot of chuck e cheese just to give their tantrum that little something extra. It is totally like living with drunken frat boys.

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